At Belur Math, Part 1

By Swapna Ray

I know you not; never before
And yet, my soul seeks you.
Within your infinite, I join my dots;
We build our lives anew. 

--Rabindranath Tagore

The years 2021 and 2022 have been devastating for most of us. With horror in our eyes and unimaginable grief in our hearts, we have counted the deaths of our most near and dear ones succumbing to COVID! There is this thing about tragedy – that fine line between feeling it and experiencing it – up close, and personal! From miles and miles away, we could only grapple with the feeling of personal losses, with the lump of regret lodged in our throats - of not having the power to embrace the grief with our personal experiences! No wonder I did not feel the urge to return to my roots.  But as luck would have it, I did have to visit my homeland around the end of January 2023 due to some personal work.

My younger sister had come to receive me at the airport. As the car left the gates of the airport and its wheels rolled into the city, I told myself to embrace the new reality and set free the bird that had longingly clung to the memories of a long-lost childhood! So, instead of choosing to head towards my ancestral home, I chose to stay in the empty house of a friend. There were the pictures of Sri Ramakrishna and Ma Sarada Devi placed at my bedside table. Discovering them beside me, within moments, my soul discovered familiarity in the hitherto unknown place. 

Despite warnings of heartbreak, I still decided to head towards my ancestral home. The collage of fading memories of childhood and youth beckoned me to peep for once into the long-lost world that was once my home. It wasn't just about family – it was about hundreds of things – like the the fenced garden, the cold touch of the red-oxide flooring, the smell of the moss-laden walls of the terrace … . A younger version of me trapped within myself refused to let go of these fading bits. But, as they say, realities are often harder than we imagine them to be. My heartbreak was worse. As I headed back with a heavy heart, I vowed never to return again! My mind was engulfed in the surging darkness of disappointment!

But after this dark disappointment came the bright sunshine. With the help and support of our Providence Swami, I got a chance to stay at the historic Belur Math for a day. After writing to the secretary of Belur Math, we were given permission to stay at the guest house for a day from the morning of the 6th of February to the morning of the 7th. Even though I had the desire to stay an additional day, I had to comply with the one-day visit due to the fact that my companion could only make it for a day. 

More about it in the next part of the blog.